Tag: Funny Dog Stories

Dear Aunt Loba, I have Trust Issues

Can you please give me advice. I love my boyfriend very much, he is an attractive shepherd mix, his fur is rich, his teeth big and his paws enormous.

The problem is that he says I am neurotic and overbearing, that I must give him more freedom and trust.

I am so confused, I really do get anxious when he disappears for days and I am left to look after our recent litter of 12. I do understand that he has to be away as he has another litter to support, the mother is an ugly bitch that tricked him and I know he does not love her.

I know I was snappy when he came back after three days and ate up the food I had scavenged for myself and the pups. Then we had an argument because I saw him with a lovely cocker girl, she is on heat, but he assures me nothing happened and that I should calm down and trust him, or he will leave me.

Dear Aunt Loba, am I neurotic and overbearing? Should I see a dog psychologist and work on my trust issues? I love my boyfriend and I don’t want him to leave, he says we might get married one day.

Debbie in the Dumps

Dear Debbie,

You do need to work on your personality, you are too trusting and you are dating a selfish jerk. Stop looking at his shiny coat and look at his behaviour. Stop making excuses for his lack of support to your, and other female’s pups. You will do better without him; for one, you don’t have to share your food with him and I can guarantee he will never marry you. He is no role model for your pups.

Aunt Loba

A New Fragrance for Dogs

As Loba now is an influencer, she has been sent a new fragrance by a company. It is called Sea Breeze and it is guaranteed to make you attractive to other dogs, gender neutral. The company only wants her to try it and write something positive on Instadog.

Zorro and I like the fragrance and when Loba put it on she was immediately approached by several dogs nearby.

I think Sea Breeze smells of sardines.

Looking for Likes

The first day Loba posted her glamour picture, she got three likes. One from me, one from Zorro and one from old aunt Kara.

Then Zorro told our friends to like her post and she got 12 more. “Not enough,” said Zorro, “I will fix this.”

Next day she had 25 000 followers and 20 000 likes! Wow, Loba is admired! This is outstanding!

Loba asked Zorro how he did it. “You know,” he said, ” the right exposure is important.”

“And the right bot,” said Loba.

“That too counts,” answered Zorro smugly. “They all do it, even the famous Top Doggers.”

Loba is an Influencer

Zorro says that Loba’s advice column is old school and that she should be an influencer instead. All they have to do is to take photos when they lazy around and eat food. Then companies give them free stuff.

Zorro told Loba to sunbath on a pretty blanket with cucumbers over her eyes. He placed a drink with an umbrella next to her, took a photo and posted it on instadog. Then he ate the cucumbers.

We are waiting for followers, that is what influencers do, he said.

I don’t understand anything.

Dear Diary,

I have now been a year in Doggy Heaven. I miss Mom and Dad, but I have met Loba, Zorro and Aunt Kara and they are good company to me. Misty is doing a good job looking after Mom and Dad, so we do not have to worry about them anymore.

We have found the perfect property in the shared Heaven for dogs and humans, and we have put deposits down on the ground, so it is reserved for the future. (Yes, those kinds of deposits work here.)

It has many fruit trees and a vegetable garden, a nice view and lots of walking trails nearby. Loba and Zorro have started to build a doghouse in the garden, and I have ordered a people’s house to be built, I prefer that to a doghouse. It will have a fireplace.

Aunt Kara, I and Loba have ordered a plush settee for us to sit on, but Zorro says that he does not want to take part in such decadence. Aunt Kara says she will sleep outside when it is too hot inside from the fireplace.

The house will be ready when Mom and Dad arrive with Misty in the future.

We will live the good life while we wait; I am getting lots of tummy rubs, Loba is roaming around, Zorro is barking at wildlife and Aunt Kara is digging in the snow.

Cheers, Diary

Flurry D. Dog

Letter From Misty to Doggy Heaven

Dear Dogs in Heaven,

Thank you all, and especially Flurry D. Dog for supporting me when I was living with cats. It was a difficult time for me, but with your help, I am now in a good home.

Thank you, Uncle Zorro for Dr. Bite Barks varmint book, it is remarkably interesting, and I am learning how to deal with all sorts of intruder critters. I promise to keep the deer away from Dad’s vegetables.

Thank you, Aunt Loba for telling Mom to adopt me. I have heard that many dogs will ask you for advice on their problems. No, I am not able to climb over the fence, but I am working on my skills.

Thank you, Aunt Kara for telling Loba that I was a good candidate for the job with Mom and Dad. I have not yet encountered snow, but I look forward doing some digging when I get the opportunity.

I am taking my job assignment very seriously and I will not let you down.

Sincerely

Misty

Aunt Loba’s Advice

Dear Aunt Loba,

I live on the streets on Earth, and I have a boyfriend. We once had a litter, but he did not help me at all looking after the little ones. Instead, he went to live with a girlfriend, she is a real b….. She threw him out for food stealing and fortunately, he is back with me. My boyfriend says he has changed, and he would like to have another litter, but I am not sure, do you think I can trust him? He is so handsome, and I like him to stay around.

Uncertain and confused

Dear uncertain and confused,

The answer is clear and easy. No, you cannot trust your boyfriend, and I am at a loss to understand what is handsome about him. I suggest you take him to the vet and tell him he will get a really yummy meal if he goes inside. With any luck, they fix him.

PS. You should try to team up with his ex-girlfriend instead.

Aunt Loba

Letter From Misty to her Doggy Mom

To Mommy somewhere in the mills,

Dear Mommy,

I am writing to tell you I am well. I had a rough time after we lost contact on the streets, but a kind lady eventually brought me to her home. She was nice and gave me lots of food, the only problem was that she had many cats, and I developed a cat allergy and things were rough.

The dogs in Doggy Heaven took on my case and pleaded for me to get a new home. I have now been adopted by nice people and I am living the life as an only pet!

I am enjoying comfy beds, lots of toys and a well stocked food cupboard.

You would not believe the comfort I have; I wish you could join me. I have three different beds; my favorite has a cozy roof. I have lots of toys and a yard to play in. I get three meals a day, apart from healthy kibble, I get soft food and sardines, even real meat from the best kitchens. Treats are plenty. I have a big bone that I have hidden in the closet amongst the socks just in case my humans want it back.

During the day I can walk in the garden and do as I please. We take walks in the neighborhood and I have new doggy friends. Sometimes we go to the dog park and play, play play! My only duties are to cuddle Mum and Dad and keep the garden free of intruders. The patrol job is easy, the property is fenced so no real danger there. I fell on my four paws!

I have heard that you are back at the puppy mills.  You must be up for retirement soon? I am sending some treats.

Your long lost but still loving puppy Misty.

PS. Have you worked out who my Dad is?

Loba Quits

Zorro is very enthusiastic about Misty; he keeps on about her all day. There is no end to the praise. Misty is learning quickly, Misty is loyal, Misty is friendly, Misty has a good character, Misty has integrity, Misty is a team player, and most of all: Misty is not frightened of the deer. She runs along the fence and barks at them in a very frenzied way.

“What a change to see such youthful energy,” Zorro says, and he looks at Loba and myself with disdain. “Misty is showing great promise as a guard dog, a lot of potential for the future. And such lovely personality too!” Then he gave her the highest work assessment.

“Notice that she cannot do jobs outside the fence,” said Loba.

“She has potential for the future,” Zorro answered.

“Potential to be considered too old once she is on top of the job,” said Loba dryly.

Then she announced that she is quitting Zorro’s Zecurity. She is starting her own company, giving advice to dogs in trouble. Dogs are invited to submit questions to “Aunt Loba’s Advice”. I will read the letters and write the answers that she dictates.

Zorro wondered how much she thinks she will earn, but Loba said it is charity work as she is fully supported in Heaven. I guess that means I will not be paid either.

Zorro is moaning that he is now without outside the fence capacity, but he better not look at me. Loba says that Zorro’s Zecurity have no jobs anyway so it does not matter. Doggy Heaven is safe.