Funny Dog Stories – Page 15

Meat on the Bone

Dear Dairy, I noticed that Mom and Dad had BBQ today.

“What a pity our little Flurry is not with us anymore,” said Mom, “he would have liked some pieces of grilled meat.” “Yes, he always used to keep me company at the BBQ,” said Dad. “Missing the attention from the little chap.”

“BBQ day is a red-letter day,” said Uncle Zorro. He is always on about red-letter days. It is the day off work for humans, marked red in the calendar. “On red-letter days, the family in South America had BBQ and Master gave us meat on the bone” Zorro continued, and he was salivating.

Hmm, I never got bones from the BBQ… “You are too fragile,” explained Aunt Loba, “Zorro and I were tough outdoor dogs.”

Hello there on Earth! We dogs can have BBQ any time in Heaven and we get the whole piece, bone and meat.

Finally, meat on the bone for Me Too. Good night Dearli, I must gnaw now.

Zorro Meets Tiger

There is a story going around Doggy Heaven that Uncle Zorro once climbed into Cat Heaven. He challenged any cat to have a fight with him and he was matched with a stripy beast called Tiger. Tiger was large and muscular and had huge teeth, but Zorro did not hesitate. “Come on, come on” he baited Tiger.

The tale goes that the creature took Zorro in his claws and threw him into a basketball hoop where he got stuck. The cats detached the net with Zorro inside and carried him back into Doggy Heaven with a stern warning to not come back.

**The cats are laughing when Tiger throws Zorro into the basketball hoop.**

As far as I know, Uncle Zorro never tried to climb that wall again. He does not want to talk about it.

There is a Cat Heaven!

I have learned that there is a Cat Heaven too. Fortunately, it is separated from Doggy Heaven by a tall wall. I have heard some scary wailing over the wall. Why would cats have a Heaven? It is not like they are repenting and converting to being dogs.

“Don’t worry your cute little head,” says Loba. Let us just go and get some ribs from the pantry to chew on.

So, we did, yum, yum, yum.

Dear Dairy, I am trying to forget about the cats.

Pet Adoption Day

Dear Diary, I am a little upset. Today, my Earth parents went to a pet store on adoption day to see if there were any dogs available. Maybe they were thinking about getting pest control for their garden after all?

Just to look, said Mom, she is still in mourning after my demise. There were only cats in the pet store – of course, leftovers, who wants cats? Clearly cannot give them away.

I think it is too early for my Earth parents to have a new pet. They just looked and went away. Good decision, I am relieved.

The Happy Couple

Finally, I asked Uncle Zorro if he and Aunt Loba were married. “Of course,” said Zorro, “would not have it any other way. We were married by Master in the garden in South America and we have been sharing bowls ever since, on Earth and in Heaven.”

Loba said she never got a ring and that there has mainly been sharing of her bowl.

Apparently, it was an arranged marriage.

Dogs are Vindicated in Heaven

Diary, the dogs have been vindicated.

Today, I read in News from Earth that people are given tablets with baby poop as medicine for treatment of various illnesses. Finally, they learned!

We dogs have always known the benefits of poop eating, and we were always told off about it! Life is unfair. And poop tastes good, especially rabbit poop and baby poop.

Taste that, Diary!

Pests in the Garden

Uncle Zorro has recently checked on Mom and Dads garden, and he found a squirrel infestation and other intruders. Zorro call the pests “varmints”. He says that one of the more important duties for a dog is to keep the varmints away from their Master’s garden. (He never mentions Mistress’ garden). Then he told me stories of varmints he and Loba had chased away in South America. Small rodents, possums, sloths (what is that?), poisonous critters like spiders, alacranes (scorpions), snakes, and larger animals like other dogs, foxes and even people.

“The craziest day was when the monkeys came,” explained Zorro, “they threw sticks at us and we could not get them in the trees, although Loba tried. It was constant work, sometimes we took turns sleeping. We were on the job, day and night”.

Uncle Zorro asked about my varmint strategy and what had been the most common problem. I did not have any answers, other than that my job as a pet was to be a companion to the family and that I did not deal with the garden much. I told him that I once saw a deer through the window, and it was very scary and huge, so I trembled and hid in the kitchen.

Uncle Zorro was rather careful in his wording, but I think he insinuated that I had been lacking on the job. He showed me a book; Varmint Identification for all Dogs by Dr. Bite Bark, D.bs, C. Sc., A. Bc., and B. sh. Zorro asked if I had ever seen the book, and I had to admit I had not. “Hm,” said Zorro, “I thought you were an educated dog”.

“I never took varmint control at the Agility Academy,” I defended myself.

The book was rather well read, it had pawmarks all over and some gunk that I think was drool, on the pages. Zorro showed me pictures of rats, squirrels, racoons, and much more. You could read all about the varmints as well, which time of day and year they like to show up, what they eat and how they defend themselves. Zorro cannot actually read so I guess he just looked at the pictures and worked out his strategy by trial and error. I did not really like the book, but it is Zorro’s favorite. (That, and some old and torn calendar of Chihuahuas that he keeps under his bed.)

“We save the scary pages for another time,” he said. “That will be cats, snakes and large predators.”

I am glad I am in Heaven for dogs.

Street Dogs in Doggy Heaven

More disturbing details about Aunt Loba and Uncle Zorro’s life in South America are surfacing. Their doghouse in the garden was of concrete and occasionally, scorpions came in. Loba and Zorro calls them alacranes. I almost fainted. “Don’t worry,” says Loba, “the inside of Moms and Dads house was not better, they had alacranes too! As a former street dog, I could deal with alacranes, a quick flick with the paw and they were gone.”

Uncle Zorro does not want Aunt Loba to talk about street dogs, and tells Loba to shut up about her background, but she refuses. Loba says she is not ashamed of coming from the street. “I am as good as any of those pedigree dogs. In fact, I am better, I can open a tin of sardines with my teeth, I can climb any fence, I know all the trash heaps and water holes, I can live off the land if necessary and I am certainly not inbred!”

Then both Uncle Zorro and Aunt Loba looked at me. I turned away in embarrassment, did not dare to tell them about sleeping on the sofa and a bed in front of the fireplace.