Doggy Dating

“Flurry, you need a girlfriend,” Zorro woke me up this morning. I told him that I was very happy living with him and Loba and Aunt Kara and I did not need a girlfriend. “Nonsense.” Zorro insisted, “I help you to get on a dating site.”

I was not enthusiastic about this, but Zorro did not listen. He told me I needed a profile. And so he dictated my profile:

Wealthy and well educated Miniature Poodle seeks petite female company for playtime at the park, romantic howls at the moon, mutual grooming and cozy napping. I am well educated and easy going.

Answer to Tempest.

“Who is Tempest?”, I asked. “It’s you,” said Zorro, “We will call you Tempest on the profile, Flurry sounds a bit weak.”

Goldie Resigns

Today, I read on Instadog that Goldie has resigned from TiT. She will get her Golden Parachute and keep all bonuses and the luxury private residence she purchased for Tit’s money as a perk. She will have a company car, security, a private chef, house cleaner and gardener for life. To be fiscally responsible, Cash made her give up the private jet.

Goldie says she does not believe in big business anymore, all she wants is to live a quiet life in nature and to meditate all day. “Wealth is nothing,” she said on Nosebook as she was being groomed. “Tins of dog food does not make you happy, it makes you fat!” She reached for another slice of bacon that a servant dog held up to her. “I might go into the self-improvement business; I like helping dogs.”

“While I connect to my inner self, please think optimistically about the environment,” she said, “Namaste.”

And Goldie bowed.

Troubles at TiT’s

For a while, Toff just followed Goldie’s and Cash’s advice of optimism and record profits in the future, and he paid the outgoings from his mountain of dog food tins. There were name launching parties, stock profit celebrations, futures extravaganzas and love yourself sessions.

Loba went to another Coyote karaoke, she brought Zorro too. They came back late, laughing and high fiving, probably drunk. I don’t think karaoke is that fun.

Then the thefts started. Trust in Toff’s (TiT’s) clients complained more and more, and Toff discovered that there was no one in the company assigned to safety patrol! “What do you think you are doing,” he barked at Goldie and Cash.

“Professional business management,” they answered in unison.

Zorro is Fired

Toff and Zorro have been bickering all the time and on Toff’s suggestion, the shareholders took a vote on ousting Zorro from the board; Cash and Goldie voted with Toff, and they got 51%. Zorro is no longer in charge of the company he founded!

Zorro said they could get rid of him totally if they bought him out, which they immediately did. Then they patted him on the back and told him to not take it personally. Zorro looked sad and crestfallen.

Goldie made press releases about the changes and posted on Instadog, Bark, Pawlink and Nosebook “that the company (TiT) was moving in new and exciting directions with a modern and forward-thinking board. Unfortunately, old Zorro was unable to adapt to the changes and has elected to resign. We wish Zorro all the best in his retirement which will allow time for his hobby of bee keeping.”

“Bee-keeping?” I asked Zorro, “is that what you intend to do? Are you not angry about being ousted from your own company?”

“Don’t worry,” said Zorro, “I have this. Toff has just bought a company with only outgoings and massive liabilities in pension funds. I am walking away with massive amounts of tins of food. I am taking Loba and you with me and remember, Loba was the only one doing patrol work and you the only one keeping accounts. I pretended to give up and retire so they would be unguarded. I even got the name Zorro’s Zecurity back and my original company is completely intact and richer than ever.”

Zorro, Loba and I raised our champagne glasses in a cheer. “Good luck Toff in TiT!”

Reflections on Society

Dear Diary, I have always been reflecting about life and here are some of my observations:

Society is very badly organized. First, the puppy’s play. Then, we tell them to sit still in school. Then, we tell them to exercise more.

Then, as adult dogs we have to work, often long hours and commute too. Even when you have puppies you have to leave them with minimal supervision to go to work! Then, society wonders why the puppies are misbehaving.

Then, when the puppies are grown up, you are told your job is needed for younger dogs. This happens when you are really good at your job and you have given up on all your dreams about climbing mountains, sailing around the world, or being a rock star. You are just too old for that, but a desk job would be really interesting.

So, from working 24/7, 365 days a year with minimal sleep, there is now more free time than you can deal with. Your grand puppies are far away because you moved too many times to keep up with your job that you just have been early retired from.

And the circle starts again.

It is so stupid.

Decisive Actions at Zorro’s Zecurity

There has been a meeting at Zorro’s Zecurity that only the board and senior managers were allowed to attend. I just happened to be in the office working overtime and overheard the discussions. Goldie said that the company was in good shape, but just in case something bad would happen and the company would go under, they all needed to take decisive action in secret. She laid out the following action points:

Call a meeting and a press conference and declare that all is under control and that everybody’s jobs are safe. Say with force that all rumors to the contrary are lies.

Dump your stock.

Look over the company’s financial liabilities and prioritize payments in this order: a) My paycheck, saving schemes, bonuses and golden parachute. b) The executives and senior managers salaries, bonuses, saving schemes and golden parachutes. c) taxes (governments can be so vindictive). If money is short, raid the lower staff’s savings and retirement schemes.

Lay off the staff except lawyers (needed to defend management in case of lawsuits, and if you lay off a lawyer, he may sue YOU). Keep the finance department (except for some low-level clerks), they know where the money is, and keep Human Resources (again, the low-level HR people can go). Human Resource people will always be laid off last, because they actually do the laying off.

“HR will now make you sign a non-disclosure agreement for eternity about basically anything in Zorro’s Zecurity. If you do not sign, you will not get any of your compensation, contractual or not, and our lawyers will come after you and it won’t be pretty.”

Virus In the Office

Dear Diary, we had to close the office for a few days, all the dogs were getting sick with stomach ailments. A doctor traced it to the communal eating bowls, a sick dog started the epidemic.

Goldie took strong action and removed the communal bowls. Now, everyone has to bring their own bowl and food too. The staff quickly recovered. (At least we do not have to pay for the food anymore).

The neon green bean bag type beds are all breaking and beans are spilling everywhere. Goldie calls the staff whiners for complaining after all that she has done for them. “The neon green beds are the height of fashion and costed a fortune!” she said.

Rats are eating the beans; the terriers are having fun. A few rats had been seen in the communal eating bowls before they were taken away. It’s no joke.

Logo Change

Goldie has decided that Zorro’s Zecurity’s problems are due to the logo. It is two black Z next to each other on an orange background.

‘”We need a modern approach, we must be greener,” said Goldie. She called all the best corporate designers to submit their suggestions. Zorro was disturbed, but he did not protest.

After a lot of discussions which Zorro was not allowed to attend, Goldie declared the winner: Six lime green lines on a white background. Apparently it was Goldie’s own design, but she still paid all the designers handsomely. She also paid herself another bonus.

Here is the result:

Old and new logo for Zorro’s Zecurity

The Iditarod

This week the Iditarod dog sledding race took place on Earth. This is a big event here in Doggy Heaven, everybody at Zorro’s Zecurity got the week off except for Loba. Goldie asked her to continue doing security patrols. “We don’t want another theft,” said Goldie, “it would be bad for the company and not reflect well on you.”

But Loba ignored Goldie, “I am not paid, and I am half Huskie, ” Loba told me, “I have to see the Iditarod. I also happen to know that the coyotes will also follow the race, so there will be no problems,” she added. What does that mean?

I find the race horrifying, dear diary, but I cannot admit this to the other dogs. It is a lot of snow and I lived in Canada when I was young. Snow can be fun to dig tunnels in, but then you get big lumps in your fur and under your paws, and after a while you start shivering, no thanks!

The Iditarod dogs are wild huskie types, and they are insensitive and dangerous. They run and run for hours, and then they eat some raw fish and howl and curl up to sleep in the snow. I swear I would die the first day, it is like a horror movie.

The other dogs in Heaven are keenly interested, keeping track of all the teams and betting a lot. I am afraid uncle Zorro is one of the worst gamblers. I can see that Loba is looking admiringly at the huskies, and she says she wish she was there. Her blue eye looks wilder than normal. Great Aunt Kara is very knowledgeable and comments on form and techniques and gives unsolicited tactical advice. They are so excited.

I don’t understand them.

About Interest Rates

The Financial Director at Zorro’s Zecurity, a pedigree Doberman Pinscher suitably called Cash, gave a long and learned talk in a town hall that concluded that the reason that business is slow is because of low interest rates everywhere. “The interest in business is low, because of low interest rates, it is a celestial problem,” he said. “Not our fault.”

Considering the terrible drop in the stock price, Goldie decided to double the bonuses for the top dogs. “It is more important than ever to retain top talent,” she said. “How else are we going to get out of this crisis?”

Hmm, I thought that the so-called top dogs had got us into this crisis with their expensive and impractical ideas. Goldie called me cynical.

Goldie then looked around to see if she could cut cost by getting rid of staff. First, she suggested that Loba should go, but I pointed out that she has never been paid, so that would save nothing. And then, there is that she is the only one doing any security work… although lately, Zorro himself had chipped in.

After a lot of discussion and deep thoughts, Goldie decided to get rid of the mid-morning office snack service as they never bring bacon. “That shows that management is taking some deep cuts,” she said.