Author: Flurry

Reflections on Society

Dear Diary, I have always been reflecting about life and here are some of my observations:

Society is very badly organized. First, the puppy’s play. Then, we tell them to sit still in school. Then, we tell them to exercise more.

Then, as adult dogs we have to work, often long hours and commute too. Even when you have puppies you have to leave them with minimal supervision to go to work! Then, society wonders why the puppies are misbehaving.

Then, when the puppies are grown up, you are told your job is needed for younger dogs. This happens when you are really good at your job and you have given up on all your dreams about climbing mountains, sailing around the world, or being a rock star. You are just too old for that, but a desk job would be really interesting.

So, from working 24/7, 365 days a year with minimal sleep, there is now more free time than you can deal with. Your grand puppies are far away because you moved too many times to keep up with your job that you just have been early retired from.

And the circle starts again.

It is so stupid.

Venture Capitalist Invests in Zorro’s Zecurity

Cash has found a venture capitalist willing to invest. “A very distinguished dog,” said Cash, “he is also a friend of mine, and prepare for this: he is the President of the Pedigree Club!”

Curtains. Toff is Zorro’s worst enemy.

Cash did not notice Zorros apprehension and continued excitedly “he has made tons on money on the Heavenly Snacks, and he has an almost inexhaustible supply of Toff’s Tins, even the Select Series. Toff is the answer to Zorro’s Zecurity’s problems.”

Toff is offering to invest 500 tins of Toff’s Regular and 500 tins of Toff’s Select and 1000 bags of Heavenly Snacks for a 48% share of Zorro’s Zecurity and a place on the board.

Goldie is advising Zorro to accept; it will save the company. When Zorro showed some apprehension, Toff sweetened Zorro up and gave the Mustang car back as icing on the cake! Loba and I told Zorro to reject the offer, he will not like working with Toff, but Zorro said he has no choice, he is too deep in debt. “And I am still the Chair of the board, I have the most shares at 49%, and I get my Mustang back.”

Goldie and Cash posted the news on Instadog , Pawlink, and Noosebook and then called a press conference together with Toff. Zorro did not want to participate but took me and Loba on a drive in the countryside.

I wonder who has the remaining 3% of the shares?

Zorro is Taking Lots of Calls

Zorro does not have much time for Loba and me anymore, his phone is constantly ringing. It is all the venture capitalists lining up to invest in Zorro’s Zecurity. That is what Zorro says.

A particular dog is very insistent, but he won’t say his name. Zorro showed me the phone so I could read the caller ID: it said Scam Likely.

Zorro says that Scam Likely wants to pay in Dogecoin, but he can’t accept, it is tins of dog food that Cash is looking for.

“I will try the Spam guy,” said Zorro, “he is also insistent.”

Venture Capitalist Needed

The board at Zorros’ Zecurity has decided to follow Cash’s advice and spend more to generate profits.

Dear Diary, I always wonder who is on the board. I know it is not anyone that does core business work. I think it is Goldie herself (a therapy dog and HR manager), Cash (an economist), Chat (the spokes dog), and then various specialty managers (like PR, Health and Safety, Training, External Affairs, Equality and Fairness) of which I have lost count. I almost forgot, I assume Zorro as the founder of the company is on the board, but I am not sure. Zorro seems awed by the dogs from business school (the ones that have never run a business) and goes along with whatever they decide.

The problem with Cash’s idea is that we have no currency left, which in doggy heaven mainly consists of FOOD. Cash has never bothered with the details of the economy. He told me he is an ideas dog; he thinks big and does not keep balance sheets.

“Don’t worry,” he told me. “We just need a venture capitalist to invest in Zorro’s Zecurity and then we can have company cars!”

Decisive Actions at Zorro’s Zecurity

There has been a meeting at Zorro’s Zecurity that only the board and senior managers were allowed to attend. I just happened to be in the office working overtime and overheard the discussions. Goldie said that the company was in good shape, but just in case something bad would happen and the company would go under, they all needed to take decisive action in secret. She laid out the following action points:

“Call a meeting and a press conference and declare that all is under control and that everybody’s jobs are safe. Say with force that all rumors to the contrary are lies.“

“Dump your stock.“

“Look over the company’s financial liabilities and prioritize payments in this order: a) My paycheck, saving schemes, bonuses and golden parachute. b) The executives and senior managers salaries, bonuses, saving schemes and golden parachutes. c) taxes (governments can be so vindictive). If money is short, raid the lower staff’s savings and retirement schemes.”

“Lay off the staff except lawyers (needed to defend management in case of lawsuits, and if you lay off a lawyer, he may sue YOU). Keep the finance department (except for some low-level clerks), they know where the money is, and keep Human Resources (again, the low-level HR people can go). Human Resource people will always be laid off last, because they actually do the laying off.“

“HR will now make you sign a non-disclosure agreement for eternity about basically anything in Zorro’s Zecurity. If you do not sign, you will not get any of your compensation, contractual or not, and our lawyers will come after you and it won’t be pretty.”

Can’t Fail Economic Plan

Cash, the economist dog, has laid out a plan to stimulate the economy and get Zorro’s Zecurity more solvent.

“It is all about spending, you see,” said Cash. “You must spend to make money. Spend fast and furious and everyone benefits. It works like this:

A business owner, like Zorro right here in Zorro’s Zecurity, makes a profit. He then pays the staff salary. The staff spend the money on food, housing and stuff like doggy spas and entertainment. The dogs in those businesses then all get paid and make profits and buy a service from Zorro’s Zecurity. Zorro makes more money and can then spend more which will make other dogs richer. Everyone benefits when we spend.”

I had to think about this, it sounded plausible but somehow, I wonder if it really was how it worked. I asked Cash if, he was sure. He said yes, ” he had learnt it all in economy school.”

Cash now wants Zorro’s Zecurity to stimulate the economy and spend on company cars for all the staff. “It’s like an investment, he said, ” if we spend more, wealth will trickle down to the public who then can afford our services and we get even more income. The plan can’t fail.”

And Cash gets a car, I thought to myself.

Crisis Management at Zorro’s Zecurity

Some of us have been called by Goldie to be instructed in crisis management. Finally, I thought, we will deal with the company problems, stop the senseless spending, improve services and focus on our jobs. Something like that.

This is what we were instructed to do:

Always protect the image of the company.

Never admit anything is wrong. Deny, deny and deny.

I asked what to do if we actually had made a mistake, but I was rudely cut off.

“Zorro’s Zecurity does not make mistakes, and if we do, we deny it and confuse the issue. To admit mistakes is exactly the sort of negative talk we must avoid. Only losers admit mistakes, and there are no mistakes in Zorro’s Zecurity, only unfortunate things that happens.”

Express sympathy and concerns about the clients feelings and experiences, but do not admit to any failures.

“This is how you communicate with the public: I am sorry you feel this way and I can assure you that Zorro’s Zecurity is committed to the best service in the world. If pressured about thefts on our watch, just explain that you cannot comment on individual cases due to privacy laws but hint that you know that Zorros Zecurity is in the clear. Try to refer all questions to Chat, our esteemed Spokes Dog.”

“By all means, don’t be weak and actually try to change something, that is a loser’s behavior. Unless the complaint is coming from a powerful person of course, then fix the problem quickly and publicly and apologize profusely.”

Virus In the Office

Dear Diary, we had to close the office for a few days, all the dogs were getting sick with stomach ailments. A doctor traced it to the communal eating bowls, a sick dog started the epidemic.

Goldie took strong action and removed the communal bowls. Now, everyone has to bring their own bowl and food too. The staff quickly recovered. (At least we do not have to pay for the food anymore).

The neon green bean bag type beds are all breaking and beans are spilling everywhere. Goldie calls the staff whiners for complaining after all that she has done for them. “The neon green beds are the height of fashion and costed a fortune!” she said.

Rats are eating the beans; the terriers are having fun. A few rats had been seen in the communal eating bowls before they were taken away. It’s no joke.

Spokes Dog

After the theft, (and there have been a few more) Zorros Zecurity is receiving a lot of negative comments and critique and Goldie is tired of answering difficult questions. She is hiring a Spokes Dog that will be the public front of the company.

After reviewing many resumes, where Goldie rejected any dog with actual security experience, she settled for a Springer Spaniel named Chat. “Chat has the right look of friendliness, yet a strong appearance, but not too strong, and is young and good looking.”

Chat was sent forward when angry clients arranged a press conference.

“We are so sorry for the extremely rare unfortunate break in security,” said Chat to the crowd. “I assure you that we at Zorro’s Zecurity are doing everything to please the customer and we see your pain.”

“So that means you will reimburse us for goods stolen on your watch,” someone asked?

“Due to privacy laws, I cannot comment on individual cases,” answered Chat. “But again, we are doing our outmost to see if there has been an extremely rare breach of routines, which we very much doubt, but we feel and empathize with your anger. We at Zorro’s Zecurity are always listening. You can absolutely trust the integrity of Zorro’s Zecurity and to show how engaged we are, we have recently changed our logo. Thank you for today!”

“How did I do?” asked Chat. “Excellent,” said Goldie, “it is so important that we appear to care.”

“But how are we going to address the thefts without more patrol staff,” I asked? Goldie stared at me sternly and said:

“Looking good is everything, don’t get complex by doing good which is not important, it is the appearance that counts in business and politics.”

Another staff on the payroll.