Flurry

Red Pages

As it is Halloween, Zorro is showing Loba and me the Red Pages in Dr. Bite Bark’s Varmint Identification book. The Red Pages describe the most dangerous varmints and are so scary that they can only be seen with special permission.

First he showed a Tarantula. “They attach on your nose and inject venom and you cant breath.” We were trembling.

Then he showed a Rattlesnake. “They hide in the grass or the rocks and bite with lightening speed. Almost always fatal.” I put the paws over my eyes.

On next page was a pack of Wolves. “If you come into their hunting ground, the pack tear you to pieces. A slow and painful death.” Loba and I were hugging each other.

Zorro turned the page again, slowly, and it was the Mountain Lion!!! “Sharp claws and teeth, strong and agile, it can finish a dog in minutes.” A giant CAT!!! I had enough and ran away.

Now I can’t sleep, I am having nightmares. “Loba! Where are you?”

Interviewing Job Applicants

Today, Goldie, Zorro and I have been interviewing job applicants. Loba was not allowed by Goldie to be on the panel because she might say uncomfortable things, and we do not want to make the applicants uncomfortable, said Goldie.

For the Salary Negotiating Specialist we settled on a really enthusiastic Bull Terrier called Kaiser, he negotiated 20 tins of Toff’s select and 5 bags of snacks for himself right there and then. Zorro just have to pay for talent! We figured we use him for the senior staff negotiations.

The real problem was the Equal Opportunity and Fairness Enforcer. First we talked to a Chinese Crested Dog, but Goldie thought she was too hairless and weak. The Rhodesian Ridgeback was too aggressive, the Dingo too unfocused, the Alaskan Malamute too sweaty and the Yorkie too small. In the end, Goldie settled for a friend of hers, another Golden Retriever called Docille. “I feel I can trust her,” said Goldie, “she fulfills all that I am looking for in my staff.”

Zorro’s Zecurity is Hiring

Zorro’s Zecurity is looking for new team members. Are you an adaptable group oriented problem solver motivated by a high working pace in an exciting and really fun growth environment; the security business? Then Zorro’s Zecurity is a god fit for your ambitions ~~and delusions.~~

Current openings include HR Assistant, Salary Negotiating Specialist, Ethics Assistant, Ergonomics Controller, Assistant Advisor to the Climate Change Director, Charity Selector Analyst and Equal Opportunity and Fairness Enforcer.

Come join us, we provide a safe working environment with excellent salary and benefits. Positions are entry level, at least two years previous work experience needed. We are an equal opportunity an ethical employer with 0 carbon emission paw print.

All Paws Meeting

Goldie has called all staff at Zorro’s Zecurity for a meeting. The issue is that they have no staff so Loba and I turned up to show support.

Goldie took charge, I was surprised as Zorro normally acts the Alpha male. “We will start with a safety moment. Please look around for Exits in case of a fire. No fire drills are planned today.”

“We are outdoors,” said Loba.

“Where would you run? Have you thought about that?”

“I run the opposite direction of the fire.”

Goldie turned to Zorro. “Your staff need more training.” Zorro looked uncomfortable and Loba left to check on some garbage bins.

“Zorro’s Zecurity need to staff up,” said Goldie. “There are several important positions to be filled urgently; Health and Safety Officer, Inclusion and Diversity Advisor, Climate Change Manager and a we must create a Senior Compensation Board.”

I tried to say that we need to get in some actual security work and employ security guards but Goldie did not listen. She told me to adapt to the new times. “Get used to change,” she barked.

Change

Goldie is holding a meeting to get the staff at Zorro’s Zecurity through the difficulties of change. Staff is resistant to change, and she needs to convince the workers to accept the company transformation.

Loba and I were called to a meeting explaining future changes. She showed us a diagram.

“You are here, aimlessly drifting,” she said, pointing at some lines at the bottom.

“When we change, you go into chaos.” She pointed at the center which looked like a birds nest. “Change is difficult, and you may feel anxious and confused, but know that management is here to help you through.

When the changes are done, you arrive in the future, you have direction and it is worth it, you will be happy and productive!”

I tried to understand, but it just looked like random scribbles. Goldie must have seen my hesitance and she gave me a condescending smile.

Loba rolled on the ground, roaring of laughter. ” Sniff My Butt,” she said and asked Goldie if she ever had lived on the streets, shelters, changed families, been lost, defended herself against criminals and wild animals, all while finding enough food and shelter for survival? Goldie did not answer but turned to Zorro and said the employees are very resistant to change and may have to be sacked.

Then she asked for her consulting fee in bacon. Lots of bacon. I think Zorro soon will be broke.

HR Department at Zorro’s Zecurity

Zorro’s Zecurity has no applicants for guard duty despite the mission statement, so Zorro is asking Goldie the therapy dog, to help him with recruitment. “She will be my Human Resource consultant,” said Zorro.

Goldie’s first suggestion was to increase the starting salary with 50% and to give a sign on bonus of 5 tins of Toff’s select, bacon flavor. “But don’t tell your old employees about these incentives,” she said. “They will get upset.”

Zorro thought they should increase the salary for existing employees as well, but Goldie told him it’s not how it’s done. “They have already shown that they are willing to work for a lower salary, no need for an increase as long as they don’t know that new employees get more.”

As Zorro’s Zecurity does not have any current employees, it is academic anyway, so Zorro did not insist. Goldie went away to write the HR manual on fairness and ethics.

Mission Statement

“Help me formulate a mission statement for Zorro’s Zecurity,” said Zorro. Loba and I sat down. “All modern companies have mission statements to motivate their employees.”

I pointed out that he does not have any employees, they all left, but Zorro said that’s the problem. The employees need to have a vision to be motivated to work for him!

Loba thought the employees need better pay and benefits but Zorro ignored her.

“We need to start with a statement about what the job is about,” said Zorro.

“Right, what about; We provide security and varmint control around your property…,” Loba started.

I told then they need something about Health and Safety because it is very important.

“Ok,” Zorro agreed, “how does this sound: We provide security and varmint control around you property in a safe and non- violent manner so the community can be relaxed and worry free. It is always good to be community minded,” he added.

“It must have something about having fun,” said Loba, “all young employees want to have fun.”

“And something about being part of a team,” I suggested.

In the end we settled for this; We, the team members at Zorro’s Zecurity provide security and varmint control around your property in a safe and non-violent manner so the community can live relaxed and worry free, while we have fun.

“Excellent,” said Zorro, this will make a big difference. We just need a few jobs so I can hire more employees.

Dear Aunt Loba, I have Trust Issues

Can you please give me advice. I love my boyfriend very much, he is an attractive shepherd mix, his fur is rich, his teeth big and his paws enormous.

The problem is that he says I am neurotic and overbearing, that I must give him more freedom and trust.

I am so confused, I really do get anxious when he disappears for days and I am left to look after our recent litter of 12. I do understand that he has to be away as he has another litter to support, the mother is an ugly bitch that tricked him and I know he does not love her.

I know I was snappy when he came back after three days and ate up the food I had scavenged for myself and the pups. Then we had an argument because I saw him with a lovely cocker girl, she is on heat, but he assures me nothing happened and that I should calm down and trust him, or he will leave me.

Dear Aunt Loba, am I neurotic and overbearing? Should I see a dog psychologist and work on my trust issues? I love my boyfriend and I don’t want him to leave, he says we might get married one day.

Debbie in the Dumps

Dear Debbie,

You do need to work on your personality, you are too trusting and you are dating a selfish jerk. Stop looking at his shiny coat and look at his behaviour. Stop making excuses for his lack of support to your, and other female’s pups. You will do better without him; for one, you don’t have to share your food with him and I can guarantee he will never marry you. He is no role model for your pups.

Aunt Loba

A New Fragrance for Dogs

As Loba now is an influencer, she has been sent a new fragrance by a company. It is called Sea Breeze and it is guaranteed to make you attractive to other dogs, gender neutral. The company only wants her to try it and write something positive on Instadog.

Zorro and I like the fragrance and when Loba put it on she was immediately approached by several dogs nearby.

I think Sea Breeze smells of sardines.

Heavenly Dog Snacks

Toff has started his own food business in Doggy Heaven; he is selling dog snacks. Small and tasty round little bites packed in bags labeled Havenly Dog Snacks with a picture of a very fat Toff. The snacks are very popular and Toff is making tons of money, they are cheap to produce. Zorro refused to taste them, but Loba tried a bag.

“Deer poop,” she said. “This is packaged deer poop. Quite good.”