Author: Flurry

Now when I am in perfect weight, Loba thinks I should attend to my fur cut. I have always just done an even shave down, no lion cuts or fluffy balls or anything. Loba suggested that we go to the new groomer in Heaven, a very dapper Italian Greyhound named Vidal.

Vidal suggested a non-gender style, no puff balls except on the tail, but a little length around my chest to make me look stronger. He advocated shaving the butt area, said that it would avoid excrements being stuck to the fur. I think he is talking about poop butt, something I used to suffer from.

I let Vidal do his magic. When he was done, he dressed me in an elegant blue cape. The whole do-up was awfully expensive, but Loba liked it. Zorro grunted his approval, he said should pay more attention to my fur. Well, that is easy for them to say, Loba and Zorro are short furred and need no haircuts. They have no idea how it is to be a poodle. A WHITE poodle. It is virtually impossible to stay clean and elegant.

Mom used to bath me, and she discovered that I got SICK from the shampooing. Some dog shampoos are full of poison and our skins absorb them. I would feel so nauseous and puke after a bath, especially as I got older.

Vidal used a gentle shampoo.

I look almost as good as Zorro on his breed photo.

I have reached my goal weight. Zorro achieved his yesterday, a day ahead of me! “Bigger muscles burn more fat,” said Zorro.

I had a sad walk around the lake yesterday, half of the dogs had been allowed to leave the dieting program. Winston and I walked together with Loba who always is there to cheer us on. Zorro went to the spa but met us as we completed the loop.

“Jolly good,” he said and smiled, his coat shining from oil. I think he flexed his muscles as well.

“Jolly good show off,” said Winston quietly, he was too tired to take on Zorro.

That was yesterday, nurse Dalmatian told me today that I was done. “Just be cautious about the free food,” she warned me. “And exercise more.”

I guess I should. Loba says being active is fun, but it has never been my cup of tea. And don’t tell me that poodles love swimming, I don’t want to hear your racism.

Poor Winston is still on the diet list, and so is Toff. I feel sorry for Winston, we have developed a friendship of mutual understanding, but I do not feel sorry for Toff.

I spent the day resting. Zorro went to the gym and Loba swept the house with her tail.

Zorro and I have lost weight, despite the extra cod yesterday. But I am too tired to write about today’s exercises. It was a lot. Good night.

Zorro and I exchanged biscuits this morning, I had sardine flavor and he got bacon flavor. I am down a whole pound and Zorro lost a pound too. “No snacking last night, I see,” said nurse Dalmatian to Zorro at weight control. She is very cheerful.

Zorro does not like nurse Dalmatian. He says she is condescending, not respecting his royal background, pedigree, intelligence, or his service to humans. She just sees him as an overweight dog.

We must walk around the lake today. Loba waited in a secret spot with a dried cod. Zorro took most of it, but it still helped me complete the trail, I am exhausted.

But apparently not as exhausted as Toff, I saw the Rottweilers carrying him for bits of the trail. I think he is kind of missing the point, but it is good strength training for the Rottweilers (not that they need it).

Toff has told the Rottweilers that new tins are on the way.

The same dry biscuits came back for breakfast. I am already tired of them. Is this not supposed to be Heaven? Who wants to diet in Heaven?

It is necessary says the nurse, she is a Dalmatian and very skinny. I am already tired of dieting and I do not want to walk around the lake again. Talking about tired, Zorro was snoring loudly through the night and he missed breakfast.

At weigh-in, I had lost half a pound, but Zorro had GAINED half a pound. Nurse Dalmatian was angry with him.

There are many dogs on a diet and today we were told to swim across a narrow point in the lake and then walk back. I HATE swimming.

No choice, a had to get in the water and I got through it, but some other dogs were in great distress. The bulldog could barely keep afloat and was helped to the other side by two Newfoundlanders. After the swim, the bulldog was lying flat and refused to move for almost half an hour, we wondered if he had a heart attack. Zorro swam in a sort of panicky mode but made it through. Loba was at his side and cheered him on, then she swam back and cheered me on, she thinks this is fun.

Toff swam surrounded by Rottweilers, I think they pulled him along. Some Rottweilers have left his side because Toff can’t pay them with tins anymore.

Me and the bulldog were the last back home. His name is Winston. It is the first time I feel sympathy with a bulldog.

I ate another portion of “nutritious biscuits” and fell asleep. Zorro was already asleep.

I have noticed that Zorro looks a little out of shape. Same for myself, basically, we have put on weight.

Today the authorities made all dogs have a weigh-in. I was up 3 pounds, Zorro 6 pounds but Loba was the same as usual.

There is a problem with all the free food here in Doggy Heaven …. we put on weight. Zorro and I must go on a diet. Until we are back to normal weight, we cannot access the food as we like, and we must take lots of exercise.

We were given a small portion of dry dog biscuits for dinner, it was not very much, but quite tasty for being dried food. I choose bacon flavor and Zorro choose sardine flavor. Loba got to choose whatever she liked as usual and she was careful to keep her bowl away from Zorro. “No Zorro, we are not on Earth anymore, you can’t eat my food.” She looked smug.

We were told to walk a 5-mile trail around the lake. Loba made us company, she takes this trail often anyway. I got so tired…but Zorro was ok.

I fell asleep right away when we came home but Loba and Zorro went dancing! Zorro never liked dancing before, maybe it is something he got interested in at the Christmas party? I heard later from Loba that Zorro had eaten all the snacks at the bar.

By the way, the authorities confiscated all tins of Toff’s Select, apparently, they are contaminated by lead and full of fat. Toff was also ordered to diet but he tried to argue that he is not overweight, that Bassets should look like him. He was not successful.

Uncle Zorro is agitated again, he has spotted a new type of varmint in Master’s garden. It was rather large and grey, a bit like a possum, but with armor on his back. He kept on rooting and rooting in all the flower beds. “Outrageous,” barked Zorro, “no respect,” and “where is security!” 

Problem was, he did not know what type of animal it was. Zorro called on me to assist with reading the annoying varmint identification book. We had to looked through many pages before we settled on a critter called Armadillo. I think I had met this type of varmint once or twice on Earth, but I forgot.

“Armadillos in Master’s garden,” roared Zorro, “it cannot be allowed, it is shameful!”

I am not sure why he takes it so personally; it does not disturb my sleep. Zorro says it is because his raison d’etre is to serve Master (I think it means reason to eat, but I am not sure). In any case, his blood pressure went up again and Loba and I had to do back and tummy rubs until he felt better.

Fortunately, the Armadillo left Mom and Dad’s garden voluntarily.

We have received a message from a recently arrived cat in Cat Heaven:

Please stop writing letters about Misty, she is a fat dog, and she gets more food than the cats.

I don’t know what to think, fat, that sounds good, but it is probably because the poor thing can’t move out of fear of being cat attacked. It is probably fake news; cats can’t stop scheming.

Dear Diary, this is what I know:

Life is not fair and will never be. Get over it. Do what you can do, with your resources and circumstances. That’s about it.

This advice is from Zorro: Eat first – taste later.

The Pedigree Club had a parade on the boulevard yesterday. Toff went first on a huge float, he sat on a sort of throne and he was wearing a mantle and a crown. The float was surrounded by Rottweilers, I think they are for his personal security.

All the dogs in the Pedigree Club paraded in their breed pack. The Bassets came first and the rest of the breeds in alphabetical order. The pedigree dogs handed out tins of Toff’s Select to the spectators as they passed by.

At the end of the parade, Toff announced this year’s Toff award. It went to a Basset called Tofino, a cousin of Toff. Tofino once got lost and lived on the street for a whole night before his master found him and brought him home to the estate. For this achievement, Tofino got the Toff award of 1000 tins of Toffs Select.

Toff was a little short on tins so he asked the spectators to donate their tins so Tofino could receive the full award, which many did.

It was all very impressive, according to some dogs in the audience.

Loba, Zorro and I missed the parade because we went roaming for the day. It was Lobas idea to go out and make Zorro exercise to keep his blood pressure down. It has been dangerously high lately.