Author: Flurry

Bark Theory

“In order to rise in a company, you need to be viewed as a leader of dogs. The more you bark, preferably in a deep voice, the more competent you appear. Just bark louder than other dogs, they soon tire and shut up. This is called Bark Theory.”

“But does it not matter what you say?” asked the dowdy Newfoundlander. “You should present good ideas and relevant information, true?”

“Not true,” answered Hubris. “You just need to bark in an assertive way. Noone is listening anyway; it is all appearance. Therefore, you do not need to work on presentations or study hard, just focus on your appearance.”

Work Hard

“Don’t,” lectured Hubris.

“Hard work is for less talented underdogs. Don’t get me wrong, we sort of appreciate hard work by underdogs, but real leader dogs are so brilliant they don’t have to work hard. Therefore, we identify dogs with leadership potential early on and let them fast track up the promotional ladder without years of hard work.”

“How do you identify the super talent if you don’t have a solid work record?” asked a black Labrador.

“They bark loudly in confident voices in the meetings, they are good looking like me, and they often hang out at the Pedigree Club,” said Hubris.

“I was bypassed for a promotion, but my manager said it will come in time if I keep on working hard,” said the black Labrador. “Can I trust my manager?”

Hubris looked away and said: “you are a Labrador”.

BBS -Deniability

“The business leader must not be responsible for anything,” said Hubris today in Backward Business School. “The leader should just appear to be in charge so he can command a monstrous salary. Underlings must take care of all practical business details and in a well-run business, they should also pass any real responsibilities downwards.”

“If there is a difficult process in your business, let’s say a short deadline for delivery. It can also be about pollution or health and safety for example. In this situation, use a contractor and make sure that your business is totally detached from troublesome processes. When there is a problem or scandal, you can point the figure at the contractor. They did it, they take the blame, and any legal troubles are theirs.”

“In the absence of subcontractors, blame your underlings. They will probably blame their peons, I mean staff. After a scandal, sack the cleaners and librarians. Who needs librarians today anyway?”

Customer Experience

“It is very important to keep the customer happy,” said Hubris. “Make sure your business is customer friendly. Nice locals, nice furniture and nice design is fundamental for any business in its customer relationship area. Always smile, be cheerful and friendly and never disagree with a customer. Make the customer feel valuable.”

“What do we do if the customer actually is wrong?” asked the boring Newfoundlander.

“Agree anyway,” answered Hubris. “Verbally agreeing and feeling with the customer does not mean you should take action and change anything. This class is for business leaders, we don’t do things, we lead and look good and sell illusions.”

Banking Explained – Backward Business School Style

Backward Business School has had a lesson about banking. For that they brought in the economy dog Cash as a guest lecturer.

“This is how banks make money:” explained Cash. “Depositors put money in the bank for economists to keep safe and maybe pay interest. The bank lends the money to dogs and organizations that need investments. The borrowers pay a large interest on top of the repayments of the loan. The interest is the profit! If you lend a lot of money, there will be a lot of profits so a bank lends as much they can! Then, economists and business leaders take the profits and put most of it into their own bank accounts as salaries, bonuses and fees!”

“Will a bank lend to dogs that can’t repay?” asked a dowdy Newfoundlander.

“Well,” reflected Cash, “it is profitable to lend, so even questionable dogs can usually borrow. But here is the clever thing; if too many dogs can’t pay back the loans, the government take public tax money and saves the depositors money! It’s not your risk.”

Hubris concluded the lesson by saying that banking is good business.

I am wondering why are economists paid so well when they fail so often and are not responsible? It seems to me that the only safe money here is the economists’ profits.

MBA Lesson 3 – Keep the Power

“It is very difficult to become the CEO of a large company,” says Hubris. “Only the elite of the elite will make it. Once you have the plum position and have negotiated a large financial award for yourself, you have to focus on keeping it. Cultivate an aura of unreachable genius. Do weird things like riding a pink elephant every morning. Have yourself photographed with fast cars and while you are mountain climbing. If you have to take a break and attend a boring board meeting, wear a black polo shirt and don’t say too much.”

“This is very important,” said Hubris, “you must make sure no one else rise in the company. Support women and minorities, they are very unlikely to make it to the top. If you notice a really useful manager, get rid of them! Invent a reason, bad chemistry is a very useful one when there is no real reason.”

Hubris finished the lesson with a strong message. “You must make yourself invaluable to the organization and not let anyone rise. Cultivate the illusion that you alone are fit to run the company.”

MBA Lesson 2

Zorro is raving about Backward Business School. “I am making a lot of valuable contacts,” he said. “The sons and daughters of pedigree winners. Puppies of wealthy business dogs.”

“But what do you learn?” I asked.

“That it is good business to negotiate a high remuneration packet for yourself. Keep the salary modest, but make sure the tax-free benefits are enormous, most dogs don’t notice the benefits, so you don’t draw attention to yourself from jealous low life. And don’t forget to insist on a golden parachute. That is a win-win for you, if you make a mistake and gets fired, you keep the money without working!”

“Is this good for the business?” I asked.

“It is good for the manager,” said Zorro. You go to business school to manage yourself first.”

Backward Business School

Zorro is a little bored now when he is not running Zorro’s Zecurity anymore. Loba found an MBA course at the prestigious Backward Business School for a discounted price, and she suggested Zorro should sign up.

Hmm,” said Zorro, “I guess I should, an MBA would look good on my resume.”

“You can’t read and write,” I pointed out.

“Not needed,” said Loba, “it is all live interaction, no written texts or tests!”

Fortunately, the Backward Business School approved his Carolina Dog Pedigree as a merit along with his fee, so Zorro proudly went to class. All the other students were champion pedigree dogs but had no business experience. His teacher is a Springer Spaniel called Hubris.

“You are the future leaders,” declared Hubris the first day. “And I am the leader of the pack. My background is in leadership of this elite course in business leadership. First lesson: be large and groom yourself, physical presence is half of leadership. Sorry ladies, if you can’t be male, at least be pretty, that is second best. End of class for today.”

Barbecue in the Park

The Pedigree Club threw a barbecue for all the dogs in the park, non-members too! Toff talked about the importance of being charitable, lots of pedigree dogs pretended to listen and applauded strongly. Then they posed for photographs for Glitz and Glam Magazine. I just wanted the food.

It was ok, but both Loba and I thought the meat was tough and quite chewy. A French Bulldog that had been passed over for the Pedigree dog of the Year award told us it was the reject meat from the Pedigree Club parties.

“Who chews anyway?” said Zorro, “I eat first and taste later.”

Reincarnation?

Zorro has been thinking about reincarnation. What would happen if he came back to Earth? He would go back and live with Dad and Mom, of course (or serve Master and Mistress as he says). He would live indoors. He would be strong and powerful and chase away dangerous intruders. Life would be exciting.

“Maybe you will be reincarnated as a Chihuahua,” I said. “Or as a female dog.”

You should have seen Zorro’s face. Now he is worried.