Here are my older diary entries, in chronological order, from my third year in Doggy Heaven. But who cares which year it is? It’s been a while since I arrived in Doggy Heaven and somehow, it starts to resemble life at Earth.
May 7 – Venture Capitalist Needed
The board at Zorros’ Zecurity has decided to follow Cash’s advice and spend more to generate profits.
Dear Diary, I always wonder who is on the board. I know it is not anyone that does core business work. I think it is Goldie herself (a therapy dog and HR manager), Cash (an economist), Chat (the spokes dog), and then various specialty managers (like PR, Health and Safety, Training, External Affairs, Equality and Fairness) of which I have lost count. I almost forgot, I assume Zorro as the founder of the company is on the board, but I am not sure. Zorro seems awed by the dogs from business school (the ones that have never run a business) and goes along with whatever they decide.
The problem with Cash’s idea is that we have no currency left, which in doggy heaven mainly consists of FOOD. Cash has never bothered with the details of the economy. He told me he is an ideas dog; he thinks big and does not keep balance sheets.
“Don’t worry,” he told me. “We just need a venture capitalist to invest in Zorro’s Zecurity and then we can have company cars!”
May 14 – Zorro is Taking Lots of Calls
Zorro does not have much time for Loba and me anymore, his phone is constantly ringing. It is all the venture capitalists lining up to invest in Zorro’s Zecurity. That is what Zorro says.
A particular dog is very insistent, but he won’t say his name. Zorro showed me the phone so I could read the caller ID: it said Scam Likely.
Zorro says that Scam Likely wants to pay in Dogecoin, but he can’t accept, it is tins of dog food that Cash is looking for.
“I will try the Spam guy,” said Zorro, “he is also insistent.”
May 21 – Venture Capitalist Invests in Zorro’s Zecurity
Cash has found a venture capitalist willing to invest. “A very distinguished dog,” said Cash, “he is also a friend of mine, and prepare for this: he is the President of the Pedigree Club!”
Curtains. Toff is Zorro’s worst enemy.
Cash did not notice Zorros apprehension and continued excitedly “he has made tons on money on the Heavenly Snacks, and he has an almost inexhaustible supply of Toff’s Tins, even the Select Series. Toff is the answer to Zorro’s Zecurity’s problems.”
Toff is offering to invest 500 tins of Toff’s Regular and 500 tins of Toff’s Select and 1000 bags of Heavenly Snacks for a 48% share of Zorro’s Zecurity and a place on the board.
Goldie is advising Zorro to accept; it will save the company. When Zorro showed some apprehension, Toff sweetened Zorro up and gave the Mustang car back as icing on the cake! Loba and I told Zorro to reject the offer, he will not like working with Toff, but Zorro said he has no choice, he is too deep in debt. “And I am still the Chair of the board, I have the most shares at 49%, and I get my Mustang back.”
Goldie and Cash posted the news on Instadog , Pawlink, and Noosebook and then called a press conference together with Toff. Zorro did not want to participate but took me and Loba on a drive in the countryside.
I wonder who has the remaining 3% of the shares?
May 28 – Reflections on Society
Dear Diary, I have always been reflecting about life and here are some of my observations:
Society is very badly organized. First, the puppy’s play. Then, we tell them to sit still in school. Then, we tell them to exercise more.
Then, as adult dogs we have to work, often long hours and commute too. Even when you have puppies you have to leave them with minimal supervision to go to work! Then, society wonders why the puppies are misbehaving.
Then, when the puppies are grown up, you are told your job is needed for younger dogs. This happens when you are really good at your job and you have given up on all your dreams about climbing mountains, sailing around the world, or being a rock star. You are just too old for that, but a desk job would be really interesting.
So, from working 24/7, 365 days a year with minimal sleep, there is now more free time than you can deal with. Your grand puppies are far away because you moved too many times to keep up with your job that you just have been early retired from.
And the circle starts again.
It is so stupid.
June 4 – Trust in Toff
As predicted, Toff is causing all sorts of grief for Zorro. The investment is being used to pay for company cars for the entire board, except for Zorro, he was already given his old Mustang back in the deal. The outstanding staff salaries and debts to contractors and suppliers are not being addressed. Goldie and Cash are postponing the payments, against Zorro’s objections.
“There is no hurry, we are predicting huge future earnings,” said Cash.
“Don’t worry about losses now, think positively,” said Goldie.
To show that the company has a new start, Toff wants to change the name of the company to “Trust in Toff” (TiT)!
Zorro protested vigorously, and it came to a vote by the shareholders. It turns out that Goldie and Cash had awarded themselves 1.5% of the company each, “for facilitating the refinancing”. So, they have 3% and Toff has 48% and they voted together against Zorro’s 49%.
Zorro’s Zecurity is gone, welcome to Trust in Toff (TiT).
June 11 – Zorro is Fired
Toff and Zorro have been bickering all the time and on Toff’s suggestion, the shareholders took a vote on ousting Zorro from the board; Cash and Goldie voted with Toff, and they got 51%. Zorro is no longer in charge of the company he founded!
Zorro said they could get rid of him totally if they bought him out, which they immediately did. Then they patted him on the back and told him to not take it personally. Zorro looked sad and crestfallen.
Goldie made press releases about the changes and posted on Instadog, Bark, Pawlink and Nosebook “that the company (TiT) was moving in new and exciting directions with a modern and forward-thinking board. Unfortunately, old Zorro was unable to adapt to the changes and has elected to resign. We wish Zorro all the best in his retirement which will allow time for his hobby of bee keeping.”
“Bee-keeping?” I asked Zorro, “is that what you intend to do? Are you not angry about being ousted from your own company?”
“Don’t worry,” said Zorro, “I have this. Toff has just bought a company with only outgoings and massive liabilities in pension funds. I am walking away with massive amounts of tins of food. I am taking Loba and you with me and remember, Loba was the only one doing patrol work and you the only one keeping accounts. I pretended to give up and retire so they would be unguarded. I even got the name Zorro’s Zecurity back and my original company is completely intact and richer than ever.”
Zorro, Loba and I raised our champagne glasses in a cheer. “Good luck Toff in TiT!”
June 18 – Troubles at TiT’s
For a while, Toff just followed Goldie’s and Cash’s advice of optimism and record profits in the future, and he paid the outgoings from his mountain of dog food tins. There were name launching parties, stock profit celebrations, futures extravaganzas and love yourself sessions.
Loba went to another Coyote karaoke, she brought Zorro too. They came back late, laughing and high fiving, probably drunk. I don’t think karaoke is that fun.
Then the thefts started. Trust in Toff’s (TiT’s) clients complained more and more, and Toff discovered that there was no one in the company assigned to safety patrol! “What do you think you are doing,” he barked at Goldie and Cash.
“Professional business management,” they answered in unison.
June 25 – TiT Reduction
“TiT’s has been inflated to fake grandiosity,” Toff howled so half of Doggy Heaven could hear. “TiT is bleeding, we have to make a surgical reduction and cut away the filler,” he continued, aggrieved, “or my TiT will go under.”
At that point all the staff assured that they were essential to the well-being of TiT and not redundant fillers. Cash decided to cut the renumeration to all staff, (except himself and Goldie), with 25%, until they could decide on redundancies.
The staff grumbled, “it was better under Zorro, we had ergonomic chairs and spa sessions,” said the Equity and Fairness assistant.
“We had free snacks and yoga breaks,” said the Climate Change administrator.
“We had weekly parties and free drink,” said the Health and Safety Enforcer.
“We did not have to work, and we got paid more,” said the Continuous Education Registrar.
“I am not sure I can take this,” said the Human Resource Recruiter, “I might quit.”
Everyone agreed that the conditions at TiT’s now were too harsh. “What’s next,” said the Safe Coffee Cup overseer, “will they ask us to do patrol work? No way, I can do that, it would make me uncomfortable.”
“No way, we can do that, it would make us uncomfortable,” the employees said in unison.
July 2 – Mood Manager
Everybody is down and depressed at Tit’s due to the bad economy, but Goldie has the solution: She has employed a Mood Manager!
No more negative talk is allowed, no-one can say empty bowl, but must say that the bowl is opened to be filled with yummy treats, says Goldie.
The mood manager (a Golden Doodle named Positron) got all the dogs together and called for communal tail wagging. “Start wagging, life is fun, challenges are development opportunities, hunger is character building, and we will soon find some government money to bail us out anyway”, she barked. “Wag left, wag right, that’s right, faster and faster, wag, wag, wag!”
The tailless dogs walked out. “Not funny at all, totally insensitive to bodily difference,” they said. I agreed.
The tail complete dogs kept on wagging to Positrons directions. It did not change the balance sheet or the mood.
July 16 – Goldie Resigns
Today, I read on Instadog that Goldie has resigned from TiT. She will get her Golden Parachute and keep all bonuses and the luxury private residence she purchased for Tit’s money as a perk. She will have a company car, security, a private chef, house cleaner and gardener for life. To be fiscally responsible, Cash made her give up the private jet.
Goldie says she does not believe in big business anymore, all she wants is to live a quiet life in nature and to meditate all day. “Wealth is nothing,” she said on Nosebook as she was being groomed. “Tins of dog food does not make you happy, it makes you fat!” She reached for another slice of bacon that a servant dog held up to her. “I might go into the self-improvement business; I like helping dogs.”
“While I connect to my inner self, please think optimistically about the environment,” she said, “Namaste.”
And Goldie bowed.
July 23 – Cash Flow
Despite massive spending on executives at Trust in Toff (TiT), money is not trickling down to the common dogs, and no new clients have signed up for security services. The power dogs just put the money in the stock market and swapped properties with other power dogs, every time driving up the price on the same house to astronomical levels without building new houses.
“I have so much money, it does not matter what I pay for a house,” said the Chief Strategist, “I just pay anything the markets asks.”
Middle Management borrow money and also buy big houses, because interest rates are almost nothing.
“If I want a house, I pay for it,” said the Manager of Climate Change, “one, two or three hundred thousand more, what does it matter, I just borrow at interest rates below inflation. In fact, the more borrow, the more I win. Why compromise on size and location when the government is giving me free money?”
“But are you nor worried that you lose your job or that interest rates go up in the future?” I asked, “after all, your loans are massive.”
“We are not worried,” said the middle managers in unison,” Cash says they will never increase interest rates because that will spark a recession. And Cash knows these things, he is an economist!”
As the rich dogs have everything else already, they are only investing in assets and not consumer goods, and their huge compensation packages are not trickling down.
July 30 – Recruiting Campaign
I heard that Trust in Toff (TiT) is recruiting. “All important companies have recruitment campaigns to attract the best and the brightest,” said Goldie. “TiT needs the best more than ever, the future is bright at Tits.”
I thought that they had financial problems and maybe should think about reducing staff?
Loba got approached by a head hunter. “The job is security patrol,” said the head hunter, a previously pampered pooch called Streamer. “Do you think you can handle this?”
Loba asked if it would involve night work. Streamer did not know, but did not think so. “Who would do that,” said Streamer. “Well, not me,” said Loba, “I am not interested.” Streamer pleaded with her, talked about benefits and a long term rewarding career at TiT’s, but Loba politely declined.
In the end we heard they recruited a Poodle called Snowflake. He had worked for some famous politician at Earth. “At least he has experience with slimeballs,” said Loba.
August 6 – Layoffs
Thee are mass layoffs at Tit’s. “We need to refocus and go back to our core business,” said Cash is a press release. “We are releasing some of our less productive staff.”
All the new hire’s offers got rescinded. Streamer, the new recruiter also had to go, he had only worked two weeks for Tits. “Does this company have any planning?” Streamer barked angrily. “I gave up a good job at Doogle to come to Tits!” Streamer did not get an answer.
They got rid of the mood manager, Positron. She was told she had failed in her efforts to keep the dogs at Tits happy. She got very depressed when she heard that.
They also fired any dog that ever had beaten Cash in frisbee.
Loba wonders what will happen to Snowflake?
August 13 – Doggy Dating
“Flurry, you need a girlfriend,” Zorro woke me up this morning. I told him that I was very happy living with him and Loba and Aunt Kara and I did not need a girlfriend. “Nonsense.” Zorro insisted, “I help you to get on a dating site.”
I was not enthusiastic about this, but Zorro did not listen. He told me I needed a profile. And so he dictated my profile:
Wealthy and well educated Miniature Poodle seeks petite female company for playtime at the park, romantic howls at the moon, mutual grooming and cozy napping. I am well educated and easy going.
Answer to Tempest.
“Who is Tempest?”, I asked. “It’s you,” said Zorro, “We will call you Tempest on the profile, Flurry sounds a bit weak.”
August 20 – Call for King
“Zorro!” Loba barked, “earlier today I got a call for King, do you know anything about this?”
Zorro looked bashful for a moment, but answered that he had no idea who King was.
“So this is not you who are the handsome, distinguished, kind and wealthy gentledog seeking female Chihuahua for mutual grooming and roly poly play in the park on Doggy Dating?”
“Of course not ,” said Zorro, “it does not sound like me at all.”
“No, it does not,” said Loba.
August 27 – Profits
Trust in Toff is continuing to loose money but it’s stock price is just going up and up. Cash has explained it all:
“The bigger the losses and the less business we do, the bigger the potential to grow in the future. TiT’s is a growth stock. The company will probably create enormous profits in the future, invest now and get rich!
Investors are streaming in.
Clients are leaving in droves.
It does not make sense to me, but I never went to economy school.
September 3 – What does Zorro want?
“I don’t know what Zorro wants”, said Loba. “He says he does not get what he wants, but when I ask him what it is, he won’t tell me. It is not apple pie, not to go roaming, I tried new slippers but that was not it. I brought him a bone, a tug toy, a new medal, and some bacon. He ate the bacon but is still not satisfied. I asked Goldie for help, and she said that Zorro and I needed to communicate better, but Zorro did not want to talk. I tried a massage, which seemed to help a bit, but not really. Then I suggested we take a stroll in the park, but no he did not want that, I brought him a good stick to carry, I tried a game of hide and seek, but Zorro is not happy. I don’t know what he wants,” said Loba and looked desperate.
“Me neither,” I answered. What does Zorro really want?
September 10 – High Heels for Loba
Loba is intrigued that lots of females on Earth are wearing shoes with high heels. It seems like some of the most respected females wear the highest heels!
“I wonder what it is for?” she said, “could it be an equalizer to the male dogs? Maybe it helps you run faster and jump higher?”
I have no idea why some females wear high heels. Zorro and I suggested Loba gets a pair, or two pairs, and try for herself. Loba got a red pair and a black pair as she thought they were the most popular colors on Earth.
After a few days she told Zorro the shoes were useless for walking or doing anything. Worse, they were painful and dangerous to wear. She concluded their purpose possibly was to stamp on dangerous snakes. She was throwing hers away.
“Who on Earth would voluntarily wear these crippling objects of torture?”
Women.
September 18 – Royal Scottish Guard Dog Again
Some old lady has died on Earth and Zorro is all in a twist. “We need parades, committees, a general clean up and proper procedures,” he said. He then put on his medals, dressed up in a tartan sash and paraded up and down the park. “I have always served my Earthly masters,” he explained to Loba and myself. “It is the highest duty for a dog, even if you two won’t understand.”
The pedigree club also had a parade, the Corgis were dressed in black and went first. Zorro was not allowed to join their parade. Some Cavalier King Charles Spaniels told him to go away.
“Nobodies,” said Zorro and shook his medals so they clanged together.
September 24 – Financial Merry-Go-Round
“We need to stimulate spending,” said Cash the other day. He should know, he has a degree in Economy.
“It works like this, if dog A buys something, goods or a service, dog B gets paid. Then dog B spends the money and dog C gets an income. And so, it goes until someone pays it all back to dog A! Everyone wins!”
“It really gets good when we spend fast and hard. Think how of much money you can make if you sell more and more, faster and faster! Just make sure to circulate the money and spend as much as you can. Money in the bank is for losers, you have to spend, spend, spend.”
Is this really how it works? My head is spinning.
October 1 – A Growing Economy
Business is booming in Doggy Heaven, it is easy to get a job, everyone is short on staff. There are openings for: shaped dog treat baker, artistic claw painter, numerous positions in dog massage spas, someone is looking for a portrait sculptor, bed fluffer, mood booster (sorry Positron took that one), plenty of opportunities as image consultants, confidence builders, yoga dogs, moon howlers, and the list goes on.
“You see,” said Cash proudly, “now the dogs are spending and not saving, the economy is booming!”
October 8 – Climate Change Protests
Goldie, the retired HR manager is active in the Climate Change movement and has organized a protest. She is good at motivating dogs, so there is a big crowd.
“We Want Climate Change,” they shouted, and Goldie egged them on with a megaphone in her paw. “What Do We Want,” she barked. “We Want Global Warming,” the crowd yelled loudly, “We Want Global Warming, We Want Climate Change”. The racket went on for about 10 minutes until a Whippet whispered something into Goldie’s ear.
Goldie started shouting again: “We are against Climate Change, Stop Global Warming!”
The crowd responded, “We Are Against Climate Change, Stop Global Warming! We Are Against Climate Change, Stop Global Warming!”
I don’t like noise, so I was glad when they moved on.
October 15 – Shortages
While the economy is booming, the workers in the new businesses are complaining on low pay. “I just can’t live on a tin day,” said a chocolate Labrador, working as a play buddy. “My job is hard; I have to run a lot. The employer said he is willing to pay more but is waiting for his salary from backscratching a large Collie.”
“It is a temporary cash (or tin) flow problem,” said Cash.
Hmm, I think the dogs are eating up the stockpiles and we are actually running out of tins. Nobody thought of producing more tins to share. We are just producing more services.
October 22 – Cash to the Rescue
“I am going to resolve the crisis of low pay and cash flow problems,” said Cash. I am going to issue Tin Bonds. Each bond is worth 10 tins and cost 2 tins. For every bond we sell, we get an additional 8 tins!”
“It is genius, I am a genius!”
The dogs ran to their stacks of savings to buy the good value bonds and so the price of the bonds quickly increased, first to 3 tins, an hour later to 4 tins, and then to 5, 6, and 7 tins!
“We are in business again,” howled Cash. “Because I am such a genius, I am sure you all agree I can have a bonus of 30% of the incoming tins. The rest will go out in the economy to pay all the outstanding salaries. Everyone wins.”
All the dogs danced and cheered for Cash. The dogs that bought the bonds made huge profits, (especially the early investors) and most dogs got a promised pay increase. The new tins in circulation taken from savings paid the outstanding salaries. The economy is good!
Dear Diary, I must be stupid, but I wonder where those tins promised in the bonds came from? What am I not getting?
October 29 – Interesting Rates
“Rates are very interesting,” says Cash. He should know, he has been to economy school, they learned a lot about interesting rates there. When rates are low, spending will be high, and that is good for the economy. Cash learned that low rates make the financial merry-go-round spin faster and everyone has jobs. On top of that, everyone can borrow a lot and buy stuff and services which will create more jobs, which will create more income!
High rates are bad, because dogs can’t borrow and spend money on bigger dog houses, better dog beds and services like personal chefs and backscratchers. Then dogs go without jobs and income.
If interesting rates are so important, it seems to me that we should just fix the rates low then. Why not make them negative? Imaging how rich we would be?
Yes, rates are interesting. Or was it interest rates? I don’t know, I did not go to economy school.
November 5 – Snowflake on the Job
Loba ran into Snowflake, the new patrol dog at Trust in Toff (TiT). They had plenty to share. A lot is the same, a lot has changed since Loba’s time.
Still, management has no clue or interest in the actual execution of real security services in the security company. “We have 5 managers for every employee, and I am the only one doing security patrol,” Snowflake explained. “Managers focus on their image, licking each other butts (literally), and their bonus system, which called Top Hat.”
What is better than before is that Snowflake is actually paid, and he works to a schedule with every other night off. He also has a lot of safety gear. Loba is impressed with Snowflake, “he knows his job,” she says.
“I had a lot of practice on Earth,” Snowflake explained. “I stayed behind with the security staff when my family travelled. I did thousands of patrols around my owner’s house on Earth.”
November 12 – Financial Advisor
Zorro has hired Cash to be his financial advisor. Zorro wants to be as rich as Toff! Or preferably, richer.
“It is easy,” explained Cash. “You buy shares when the price is low, wait for the value to go up and then you sell. Can’t fail. That will be 5 tins please, payment due on demand.”
“But wait a minute, can the shares go down in value?” I asked. “Then you lose money.”
“Just don’t buy any that will go down and shares mostly go up,” said Cash, “don’t worry. And if you want to be really rich, you borrow money at low interest and buy shares that goes up fast. It is called leveraging. The more you invest, the richer you get.”
Zorro looked starstruck, but I did not know what to think. Surely you can’t make money by borrowing money. What about work?
“Work does not pay,” said Cash. “That is a misconception, investing pays.”
I was still not convinced, and I could see I was annoying Cash with all my questions. “All right,” said Cash, “nothing is completely safe. What do you want, to get rich quick buying risky shares or have a lower return from safer shares?
“I want safe shares that gives a high return,” I answered. Cash looked bewildered.
“Payment for my advice is due now,” said Cash.
November 19 – I am Blue Paw Print Approved!
This blue paw print certifies that I am the real Flurry D. Dog and not an imposter. Only read blog posts from the real me. I have many imposters and here are a few that have used my content without permission:
Greatpaws, Petwangwang, UT Dog, petdogsshopping, lovemydogshop, petprostore, dogsintro, snugdugs, fanshubguide
Please chase them off!
I also certify that all my followers are real individuals and that none of them are purchased through bots!
Flurry D. Dog, the only real me. The real experience from Doggy Heaven.
November 26 – Falling Dog Food Tins
Cash (or tin) flow has become a problem again, so some of the dogs that bought tin bonds want to cash them out. They paid 2 tins and were promised 10 later.
“I am afraid the tin bonds are only worth half a tin now,” said Cash (the economist dog). “Tin production has not been what was expected. I don’t understand why.”
Maybe because no one actually have been producing dog food in tins, they did not multiply. The money instead went into spa sessions and other transitory luxuries. That is my thought, but I never went to economy school like Cash, so I may be wrong.
But the bond scheme did take tins from savers and put them into the dog economy. Genius, in a way, just not for the savers.
December 3 – Investing in Property
Zorro and Loba have been advised by Cash to buy a bigger doghouse. “Property goes up in price,” said Cash. “I advise you to borrow as much as you can and buy the most expensive doghouse you can get.”
I was not convinced this was a good idea, so I asked if the loans are not terribly expensive with the interest payments? Cash laughed, “interest is lower than inflation, you can’t lose. In fact, you lose your hard-earned savings if you do not invest and borrow money for a big house.”
“I like my doghouse,” said Loba, “but I guess we can do with more space. I just not sure why the property goes up in price with time, as it gets older and needs repair, should it not get cheaper?”
“No,” said Cash, “it is a question of supply and demand. Demand will never go down here in Doggy Heaven; the dogs just keep on coming.”
Hmm, this will be a problem for late arrivals. But I have heard something about the expanding universe… maybe it will be all right after all?
Or should we invest? Economy is so hard!
December 10 – You Are Warned!
We occasionally check on our human family and Misty on Earth, and overall, they are doing fine. Dad has put up a big fence to keep the deer out of his vegetable garden, so Misty has hardly any varmint control to do. Mom’s flowers are also safe from chlorophyll chompers. She and Misty takes lots of walks in the nicely kept neighborhood.
But Zorro is never happy. He is getting increasingly agitated about a particular property where a large brown Poodle called Curly, lives. The humans at the property put out food and water to the varmints. Foxes, deer, feral cats, racoons, squirrels, you name it, every type of varmint is hanging out in their garden and the big irritation is that Curly is doing nothing about it!
“Curly’s house is lowering the standard of the neighborhood,” said Zorro, “we have to protect our Earth family and act. Their property value can go down and varmints spread diseases and overbreed. Flurry, come here and take my dictation, I will write a letter to Curly.”
I have to do what Zorro says, because he is the Alpha male (that cannot read and write). Here is the letter:
“You are Warned!!!
Curly, It has come to our attention that your house is overrun by varmints of many types. I am reminding you that a dog’s mandate is to keep their human family safe and free from intruders and pests and you are miserably failing in those respects, lowering the standards of the street and exposing your neighbors to falling property values, disease, pollution, loss of garden plants and potential attacks by varmints. Start doing your doggy duty and chase away the pests or action will be taken!!!! You are watched by the dogs in Doggy Heaven.
I asked Zorro what action he would take against Curly, but he did not answer, just told me to mail the letter in order to protect Master’s and Mistress’ property value on Earth. Zorro is obsessed with property values.
December 17 – Christmas Wish Lists for Santa
Today, Zorro and Loba told me what they wanted from Santa, and I had to do the writing.
Zorro’s list
A red motorbike or a red sportscar with black speed stripes on the side.
Leather driving gloves.
A police whistle.
A birdfeeder.
A red tartan collar with my name engraved on a plate.
Loba asked why he wanted a bird feeder. “Squirrels,” he said mysteriously. “It’s for the squirrels.”
Loba’s list
A dog agility set, professional standard.
A pink blanket.
Audio book: “The call of the wild”.
My list
New pen and paper (nice quality).
Noise cancelling headphones.
The complete DVD set of the Lawrence Welk Show.
Book: “How to stand up to bullies.”
December 24 – Merry Christmas!
Last year, we had an extravagant Christmas party at Zorros’ Zecurity. This year, we were lower key, celebrating with the other dogs at the park. Loba and I got everything on our wish lists, but Zotto did not get a car, or a motorbike or a bird feeder. He was a little disappointed I think, but Loba gave him red socks that she had knitted herself! They were a little uneven, I thought, but Zorro liked them a lot. Loba offered to claw speed stripes on his Mustang, but Zorro said it was not necessary. He did get his leather driving gloves, a new collar and the police whistle!
I hear that celebrations were a little restrained at TiT’s. The employees were each given an offer to work for free. Cash and Toff and the rest of the board awarded themselves a Christmas bonus for saving on the party.
December 31 – Happy New Year!
I am not much for partying, but I have been binge watching the Lawrence Welk Show all evening. There are so many episodes it will last me all next year.
Loba and Zorro are dancing at the park, I am glad for my noise cancelling headphones. Zorro is blowing his police whistle all the time and Loba is howling. Sometimes, I can’t believe we are in the same family.
Loba ‘s New Year resolution is to keep better house (same as last year), mine is to write my memoirs. Zorro is not making a resolution; he made a list of grievances instead.
- Why is the doghouse so messy?
- Why can’t he go back to Earth and why was he not a police dog?
- Why did he not get bacon and all the good food Flurry got?
- Why was he not recognized as a pedigree dog on Earth?
- Why was he not an indoor dog?
- Why could he not mark the Christmas tree?
- Why could he not bite the postman?
Hmm, I wonder if 2023 will be difficult.
January 7 – Summary of the Annual Pedigree Club’s New Year’s Day Parade
The King Charles Spaniels walked first, the Basset’s second and the honor placement of the Corgis was gone. Toff was on a float with the economy dog Cash and the spokes dog Chat. The float was decorated in a colorful Hawaiian theme with hula dancing Greyhounds and flowery leis. Toff was on a throne dressed like a king with a crown and holding a scepter. The parade threw dog treats to the spectators, mostly mongrels and conscientious objectors, like me and Zorro.
There was a lot of excitement about the annual Toff award, who had done outstanding work for the homeless dogs this year? The jury consisted of Cash and Chat, and it went to Toff himself! The motivation was his tireless work to feed the dog world through the Earthly dog food factory and for his safety record at TiT’s (Trust in Toff security company). No dogs on patrol had been injured!
They did not mention that no thefts had been stopped and that patrol service had been at a minimum. Toff got a rousing applaud when he received the award of 1000 tins of Toff’s Select dog food.
What’s he going to do with that? Probably paying outstanding salaries to the administrative staff at the loss-making business; TiT.
January 14 – Zorro is Investing
Zorro has become really boring; all he does all day is looking at share prices going up and down.
Today, the unemployment figures were high, and all the stocks are down. Yesterday, estimates of future earnings were high at Trust in Toff and it carried all the stocks up. The day before, investors were worried about lower-than-expected growth in the tech industry and a big selloff was triggered. Last week, lowered interest rates in China drove the commodity market up. Two weeks ago, Cash muttered something about inflation which unleashed new worries about higher interest rates, and it lowered the market. Three weeks ago, lowered earnings at Trust in Toff drove the market down, but growth in the tech industry reversed the trend up next day, although lowered demand from China made the stocks tank at the end of trading. But that was before low inflation figures were released, which made stocks rise.
Let’s be clear, Zorro, it does not make sense.
He is not listening to me.
Flurry
January 21 – Complaining Corgis
The Corgis are angry they are not special anymore, for some reason King Charles Cavalier Spaniels have taken their honor place.
“It is so unfair, why should we have to give up the royal treats” whined a Corgi called Clover, “the Spaniels are mean and not sharing! They are depriving us of all the perks we are used to. All dogs in Heaven, I ask you: How can this incredible hardship and injustice be allowed?”
The King Charles Spaniels barked back, aided by a Rottweiler, and told the Corgis to shut up and accept their new status, but that just made it worse.
“You Spaniels are treating us horribly, we Corgis must have justice, our suffering is immense” a couple howled and whined, and they kept up the racket for hours.
I wish the Corgis would shut up. Maybe the Spaniels took their treats and honor position, but which dog has not had a treat stolen or been unfairly scolded? All of us. Everyone. Get over it Corgis and get on with your new life.
January 28 Crypto
Zorro has been advised to invest in crypto, but he can’t find any. Maybe he should try a book shop? They have all sorts of puzzles.
But I am hard to understand how it could be an investment. Maybe it is an investment in time to solve cryptic problems?
February 4 – Cryptocurrency
Zorro now tells me that it is cryptocurrency he should be investing in according to Cash. When Zorro asked him what it is, Cash said it is the future.
Apparently, cryptocurrency can be made in people’s computers from calculations, but you can never see, touch, or smell it. It is a number in a computer file. Cash says he has a load of cryptocurrency, especially, Dogcoins, and it has made him rich. Zorro asked him to show the Dogcoins, but he couldn’t, it’s not there, it is imaginary, or virtual, I think Cash said.
I guess Cash is just imagining that he is rich. Loba told Zorro to NOT hand over any money or food to Cash, ABSOLUTELY NOT.
But Zorro is intrigued, he wants to be rich and all the bigshots like Toff are investing big time. Zorro wants a piece of the action. He is on the phone with that insistent guy, Scam Likely, again.
February 11 – Security Patrol Needed
Snowflake is doing a lot of overtime, patrolling for Trust in Toff. He says that even though he has scheduled time off, it is hard to take it, because theft can happen 24/7 and he thinks management will blame him if something goes wrong. So, he asked for a second patrol dog and amazingly, management agreed!
Loba read the advert: Experienced patrol dog needed for shift work around dog properties. Excellent remuneration and benefits.
“Hmm,” she said, “maybe I should apply, ” I am very experienced from my time in Zorro’s Zecurity and I am getting a little bored at home.”
Zorro looked disturbed and suggested she should spend more time cleaning the doghouse and massage his bad back, but Loba went to the interview anyway.
She came back slightly crushed. “How did it go?” I asked. “Well,” she said, “they totally ignored my experience but asked for my education and pedigree. Then they were very polite and said I was not the right profile, but I could come back and apply again if I complete 99 years of higher education in security overviews with a minor in Oak Cultivation.”
I assume they mean dog years?
I heard later that Trust in Toff never found a second patrol dog and that the recruiters complained heavily about the current shortage of workers.
February 18 – Thefts Again
There has been theft of dog food from one of Trust in Toff’s clients. It happened on Snowflake’s days off. He still got scolded by his manager, a yappy Rat Terrier called Stomper. Somehow, Snowflake should have predicted the trouble and taken action before taking a day off. When Snowflake asked what he possibly could have done better, he was told it is his job to know what to do.
Now, Trust in Toff have recruited a new security manager and it is a coyote called Cowboy.
“Tough situations call for tough management,” said Toff.
Loba is choking on something.
February 25 – Emergency Help!
Due to several recent thefts when Snowflake was off duty, Trust in Toff ordered the Assistant to the Third Subleader of the Ergonomics Technician to patrol the neighborhood when Snowflake had scheduled time off. It’s a great beefy German Shepherd suitably called Patrol.
Snowflake was pleased at first, but unfortunately, Patrol did not work out. After the first hour (between 5 to 6 pm), he was appalled that he would have to work nights and weekends. “And alone!” he barked, “I am not doing that! Imagine if I met a thief? I am not taking this,” he howled all over Doggy Heaven. Management agreed; dangerous patrol work is not in the company values.
Patrol never returned the personally embroidered security vest and safety gear he had been issued but walked around the head office boasting about his work experience in the bad neighborhoods.
Miniature Poodle Snowflake is alone again. “At least he is paid,” said Loba, “and have scheduled time off. Some sort of progress.”
Yeah, paid less than the Assistant to the Third Subleader of the Ergonomics Technician.
March 4 – More Theft!
Since Cowboy got into management in Trust in Toff, the thefts have increased and become bolder. Every time someone is out, the thieves are in. We live in bad times.
“It proves that our policy of increasing vigilance by employing a tough coyote, Cowboy, was the right move in these troubled times,” said Chat, the spokes dog. “We have also included cameras in our security package, every time you leave your property, Cowboy is personally notified,” said Chat. “It is a little bit more expensive for our clients, but well worth it.”
“Rest assured,” said Cowboy, “Trust in Toff security company will turn on every stone to stop the thieves. No stone will be left unturned, we will find the thieves.”
“It is like the fox guarding the chicken coop,” said Loba. She should know, she is friendly with the coyotes, they do karaoke together.
March 11 – Diversity and Inclusion
Trust in Toff just laid off the brown and black mongrel Mixer, the Diversity and Inclusion advisor with the explanation that he was not a good representative of minorities. Mixer had lived on the streets on Earth, got himself adopted by following a nice human, and later he was successful in dog agility. Mixer had many ideas, views and opinions about dog life.
They hired a Goldendoodle called Shiner to take his place. Shiner was an obedience champion from a long line of pedigree dogs. That’s definitely some sort of minority! And obedient too.
March 18 – Profitable Banking
“This is how you make a lot of money from banking,” said the economy dog Cash to Zorro. “Just find the bank that gives you the highest returns, don’t even look at average and low returns. You want high returns, that is how you make money. High returns never fail.”
Zorro was impressed and paid Cash handsomely for this insight.
I thought Cash should have mentioned something about risk. I never went to economy school, but I think high returns are associated with risky investments. Zorro is not listening to me.
March 25 – Hot Stock Tips
“I feel Lead Mountain Bank is going to make huge profits soon,” said Cash to Zorro, “buy a load of shares this bank!”
I asked what he based this assessment on, but Cash said he has a nose for these things, and I will not understand even if he explains. “I have the winning touch,” said Cash, “you don’t. Lead Mountain Bank is really cool.”
Then Cash advised Zorro to invest in Galoramisu. “What is it?” asked Zorro. Cash said he was not sure, but everyone is investing in it, and he should not be left behind. “Go full in, the more you invest, the bigger your profits. In fact, borrow a million and invest it in Galoramisu!”
Sounds like goobledygook to me. Cash is not analyzing anything; he is investing on emotion and following the crowds. I have observed that most economists are going on popular emotions.
I am not that worried about our economy, Loba and I have put a temporary blocker on our bank account.
Cash said our investments are safe in Lead Mountain Bank. The deposits are loaned to solid and profitable businesses that are carefully scrutinized and never will go broke. They are paying handsome interests to the depositors. And the purchase value of your deposits is growing over time.
April 1 -April Fool’s Day!
Cash said our investments are safe in Lead Mountain Bank. The deposits are loaned to solid and profitable businesses that are carefully scrutinized and never will go broke. They are paying handsome interests to the depositors. And the purchase value of your deposits is growing over time.
April 8 – Recruiter Reduction
I heard that Trust in Toff (TiT) are laying off staff. “We are a little bit top heavy,” declared Toff.
You bet, I say, lot of TiT, ha, ha, pun intended. Let me explain, dear diary, Trust in Toff is a security company, providing protection against theft and violence for individuals. For that, they have one (1) employee doing security patrols. They have maybe 50 or more dogs as overhead for the board, legal, education, payroll, Canine Resources (CR), employee health and safety, diversity, climate change, entertainment, recruiting, social conscience and I don’t know what.
Toff is going to reduce the number of recruiters. Good idea. And remember to never hire a recruiter that ever has been laid off, no matter the reason. That is the policy recruiters in Trust in Toff had when recruiting workers: laid off once, always on the blacklist.
Did someone say there is a shortage of qualified workers?
April 15 – Endless Suffering
Dear Diary, I have noticed an increase in sob stories in Doggy Heaven. Every new arrival is coming with a pity-me story.
“I had a hard life on Earth,” said a pompous Papillon. “Not as hard as mine,” said an overweight Aussi Shepherd mix. “I was suffering every day,” said a toy Poodle. “I was depressed because my life was meaningless,” said a pampered pooch. “It is hard to be spoilt, maybe the worst.” A brawl broke out; several dogs were competitively shouting out their hard life stories.
“I had to play too much.” “I was traumatized by the Vet.” “I ran away and was lost for two hour.” “I survived cancer.” “I suffered from hyperactivity.” “I was overfed and could not walk.” “My human did not love me enough.” “My dog mate got more treats than me.” “I had to eat kibble.” “I did not like my ergonomic bed.” “I felt sad.”
If true, very sad, but dear diary, it is fashionable to be suffering. Some dogs are so bored that they want to suffer, the find it exciting and character-building and see it as a badge of honor. They even think that a good life is not desirable!
I also notice that the dogs with the most miserable life stories (abandoned, hungry, sick, injured and abused) are quiet and appreciate the good life in Doggy Heaven. Food, comfort, safety, friends. Works for me, I will now watch the Lawrence Welk show to forget about all the doggy misery.
April 22 – Tailwind
Loba likes to run with the wind in her tail. Zorro likes to race, and he whispered to me that the trick to win, is to have the wind in your tail.
“I see dogs all the time that think they are faster than they really are because they are running with a tail wind. Boasting and telling other dogs how much they trained. I then make them run in the other direction, and it is a laugh,” said Zorro, “they don’t understand what happened, why their times are so slow. No experience of headwind.”
I have no tail and I don’t like to run. But if I had to run, I want to run with the wind, not against it.
April 29 – Loba and Zorro’s Dinner Date
Loba and Zorro went to a fine restaurant for their anniversary. Loba ordered first; she had bacon wrapped salmon patties for starters, brisket burger for main course and sardine flavored ice cream for dessert. She got it right away because dog food is served cold.
Then the server asked what Zorro wanted.
“I take what she has,” he said.
Then he ate up everything on Lobas plate.
May 7 – Zorro is Calling!
Zorro says he has been calling Dad and Mom on Earth and they say he would be an indoors dog if he came back to life. They also said that he would be trained as a guard dog with license to bite.
Loba does not believe this is true. “He does not even have a phone,” she said, “and Zorro does not know Moms and Dads number and even if he knew, he could not dial it with his paws. Zorro talking to Mom and Dad on the phone is just not believable.”
I understand how Loba is thinking, but on the other hand, if you believe in talking dogs in Doggy Heaven, it’s not a big step to believe this too.
Angel Dog Diary 